It is with great embarrassment that I have to confess that it has been so long since I visited my blog that I couldn't actually remember how to log in! I had to email myself my own identity and clues in order to revisit myself. This was all rather disturbing particularly as I had already endured a thirty five minute phone call with Ikea s customer services because I couldn't work out how to buy the products I wanted online. So humiliating and made worse by the fact I couldn't understand a single word the nice Indian customer services lady was saying. I ended up shouting rather pompously "don't worry I ll drive to the store and get it myself!" So either I m entering early menopause and the land of perpetual confusion or I am as I have feared... A complete and utter Technotwit?
So what is a Technotwit? Well I have managed to establish some clear criteria which can confirm whether or not you qualify for this title;
1) Do you often shout at the television because you cannot operate the Sky Box and thus risk missing Downton Abbey?
2) Do you practically crash the car whilst screaming expletives because you can't get your Bluetooth to answer your mobile.
3) Do you have to resort to removing the battery and the sim card on your android phone because you have no idea how to reverse the option you ve just selected?
4) Do you suffer from sea sickness when watching 3D movies and flail your arms about because you think you are being attacked?
5) Are you more afraid of Skype than you are of a job interview?
6) Do you cut and paste individual peoples names into the recipient box when sending an email because you haven't the faintest idea how to send a group one?
7) Are you completely incapable of using txt spk and have to send long prose laden missives which fill up friends ' mobile inboxes?
8) Can you actually work out how to order and pay for something on the Ikea website?
9) If you ring India about your broadband can you actually identify any parts of your PC or laptop or even vaguely follow the instructions they give you to resolve the problem?
10) Do you have to phone your teenage children almost in tears when they are out/away/on a date and spend five minutes apologising before asking them how to re set your digital alarm clock?
If you have answered yes to more than 2 of the above you may give yourself the dubious honour of calling yourself a Technotwit.
Indeed I am only able to write this on my IPad (which my 10 year old had to tutor me to use) because I have finally plucked up the courage to ask one of the oafspring how to switch it on and off! Ridiculous I know but I was so in awe of its shiny silvery ness that I had got by by only using it When one of the kids had already been on it first. Then someone switched it off.
I spent an entire Saturday morning rotating it and gently waving it above my head hoping to coax life into it. Eventually I gave in and rang my own Bill Gates "Jojo?",
"Oh hi mum what's up?"
"Jo.... I can't turn the IPad on."
Jo "...... (sigh).... Have you tried the on button?"
Me "well I would if I knew where it was?
Jo "Muuuuuum! It's on the side... Really you are such a spaz!"
And there it is.... The scorn of Yoof. I wonder if our parents felt the same when confronted by the CD player or the earliest mobile phones?
Apparently not... Even my Dad is using a linking IPhone with ease. I think perhaps I will always be a Technotwit because secretly I don't really like technology and I don't really care how it works.
Where some people's daydreams reside on IClouds, my musings and flights of fancy occur on scraps of paper, odd napkins and if I m feeling flush, a moleskine diary. I hanker after blackwing pencils and have a not-so-secret stationary fetish. Yes I know it's odd to collect envelopes and lust after crisp correspondence cards but I like to think that if the WWW ever crashes and is irreparable I will still be able to entertain myself whereas my oafspring's generation will be bereft.
So I will wear my T on my dunce hat with pride and maybe if you are lucky I ll forget my Blog log-in again.
Until we virtually meet again.....