Work like you don't need the money.Love like you've never been hurt.Dance like no-one's watching.Sing like no-one's listening.Live like there's no tomorrow.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

The A to Z of Single Parenting; A -N

A* - Adultery; usual cause of one Spouse ending up with sole care the Children. Alternative A is A*sehole; descriptive term, which should be muttered through gritted teeth when Estranged Spouse complains how exhausting their life is (ON THEIR OWN!!!!)
B - Baggage; how the Single Parent might describe their Ex's new partner, or alternatively the term used to describe the main cause of the Single Parent being unable to form a new, lasting relationship. Usually refers to extensive emotional scarring, as a result of A* (Please refer)
C - Children, the sole Priority of the Single Parent, scoring way above Work, Social Life, Financial Security and Sleep. Tend to come in sets of two or three and are high maintenance and eat a lot. The Single Parent , becomes known to aforementioned Children as, "the Bad Guy", on the grounds of having to enforce teeth brushing, hair washing, homework-beasting,TV restricting etc
D - Divorce: an expensive, soul- destroying experience, involving a lot of paperwork, trips to heinously expensive Lawyers and new (unwanted) understanding of areas of Law such as Custody and Alimony. Common theme of Jacqueline Wilson novels aimed at disturbed Pre teens.
E- Experience, What you are supposed to put the previous category down to! However realistically Divorce will be filed under B. E could also refer to Emotional Scarring which is largely invisible except under moments of extreme duress at which point the Single Parent may use explosive language and rant along a theme of "It's not Bl**dy fair, why me?????"
F - Father. This refers to the Parent who usually; although not always, left the Family Home. Known to the Children as, "the Good Guy" who takes them bowling or swimming and invariably to Pizza Hut, once a week. Usually says "Yes" to most requests of the Children and "No" to all the requests of the Mother. Has no responsibility for discipline, a*se wiping,sickbed nursing, laundry maintenance, meal provision, homework supervision, dental/medical/optician visits, Parents Evenings, cake sale baking, after- school- club taxi service or anything in relation to Childcare. ( see C)
G - Grandparents.;the bedrock of the Single Parent. A Lifeline, who provide emergency Childcare, a shoulder to cry on and fill the gap left by the missing Parent. Possessed of abnormal levels of patience, compassion and moral support and should be given Living Sainthood or at least MBE's for services to the Single Parent. Can be called on at the last minute for all kinds of crisis; financial, psychological and when the Single Parent finds themselves floored with illness preventing them being able to do the school run or a provide nutritious supper?
H - Humour; the best weapon against the kind of mishaps that befall the Single Parent. Humour should be applied liberally to all the major parenting disasters such as; Childcare failure, expensive car repairs, sudden unexpected bills, school exclusions,invasions of vermin in the ground floor of houses, ridiculous and unwarranted criticism from ex- spouse, and particularly to deflect playground rumours, as to why you are; single/ fatter/ late to collect/why your child has non- matching socks/a missing school bag/ why your child has turned up in costume a month too early for Romans day? Utilise where applicable.
I- Ignorance. This is a state of mind familiar to the Single Parent of a Teenager, who has suddenly committed some sort of inexplicable act of destruction/emotional deviance/willful neglect/defiance which leaves the Single Parent agog with disbelief and unable to answer the question directed at them of "Why???" Despite vigorous soul searching ,the state of baffled ignorance may persist and advice of friends and wider family should be sought to resolve the situation!
J - Jelly Beans. A useful source of on-the-hoof energy replenishment ,for the Single Parent attempting to defy the laws of gravity/logic/time in order to fulfill their obligations and get to every appointment within a ludicrously small timescale. May be found at the bottom of handbags with a light coating of fluff and have a tendency to ad her to the screen of mobile phones.
K - Karma. The hope of the Single Parent, that the absent Parent will "get theirs!" Sadly a mythical expectation up there with Emotional Fulfillment and Enough Sleep.
L - Loo. The terror of the Single Mum ,who has to send her sons unaccompanied to the Men's Toilets. As they disappear into the ceramic abyss, the Single Mother has been known to hover nervously with the main Loo door ajar, calling plaintively to her sons until they return purple with embarrassment that their foolish parent should think, they would meet their doom in ASDA!
M - Mother. The female Single Parent; often referred to as the bane of Modern Society by the Tabloids for crimes against humanity such as: holding the family together, trying to raise morally upright, kind, sensitive sons who won't turn out like their father; sole bread winner etc. Widely considered to be sponging, fag- smoking, curler wearing harridans, up there with Evil Stepmothers.
N- Noise. A persistent problem in households where offspring outnumber the sole parent. Single Parents often evolve the ability to turn all sound disturbance, in White Noise, which occurs outside their realm of consciousness thus allowing them to continue writing essays for University, make incredibly important phone calls and watch their favourite programme on TV. This phenomenon makes these individuals particularly suited to loud and confrontational situations. Which is just as well really!

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